That is indeed the question. I’ve recently met someone online and we’ve struck up quite a friendship. It came out of nowhere and took me completely by surprise, mostly by the speed and intensity. I’m a fairly cautious creature, never one to dive into the pool instead I creep in inch by inch. Evaluate, analyze, observe, those are the words I live by. It can take months or years to make a major decision such as buying a new car or even ordering a new sofa. Is this the absolute best choice, I ask myself. Do I really need this thing? Do I deserve it? Is it worth the change?
That is the ultimate question, is it worth the change. Every new thing or person we bring into our lives means change. Most change is minor, barely a ripple on life’s pond while other changes reverberate. Like a stone skipping across the water, the changes keep coming, echoing the one before until finally dying out.
Life may be change but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. After years of upset and upheaval, of moving house and changing jobs, of being married and then being divorced, I’ve reached a plateau. The highs and lows have leveled out and, for the first time in a long time, I’m pleasantly bored. I work, come home, play with the dog, fix dinner, perhaps work in a nap, watch tv, go to bed and start the cycle over the next day. Some people may find the isolation constraining and urge to break through, but I revel in it. I am, like the title of Caroline Knapp’s last book, “A Merry Recluse”.
I get to chatting with a nice man online and before I know it, we’re striking up quite the conversation. Talking about dreams and goals, what we like to do, what kind of music we listen to, what we do in our spare time … it’s all innocent and at a nice safe distance as this man is located elsewhere.
He’s close to retiring and, from the tone and content of his emails, interested in more than just casual conversation. This guy sounds like a girl’s dream come true, happily ever after material. Trouble is, I don’t know what my dream come true looks like. When I daydream about my happily ever after, I never picture anyone else in it. Does this mean I’m destined to single-hood or simply that I haven’t met the right guy yet. And is this guy the right guy? Why do I feel like life is trying to fix something that isn’t broken? Did I just answer my own question or should I keep this door open a little while?